Donald Exposes the Banks

Hillary Clinton, we learned this week from Donald Trump “meets in secret with international banks to plot the destruction of U.S. sovereignty, in order to enrich these global financial powers, her special interest friends, and her donors.”

Whoa! Did you, his supporters, know about this? How about, you, surrogates – yeah, you, Giuliani, Christie, Gingrich, Spence, et. al. Since you support Mr. Trump, can we assume that you agree with him on the existence of this international cabal? And if you agree with him, you must have known about it all along. Right?

Well, you should have told the rest of us, because this is serious business, this secret society that controls the universe and is out to get your guy because he’s on to them. And where is Fox News when you need them? Why haven’t they reported this? And the Wall Street Journal! Especially WSJ, which is supposed to be good at ferreting out stories about banks planning to destroy the sovereignty of the United States. Or maybe he’s just springing this news on y’all, too. In any event, the United States of America will soon be no more, if Clinton and the banks have their way. Yikes. And make no mistake: The lamestream media didn’t say this. Mr. Trump did. (By the way, don’t you just love the term “lamestream media”? Super clever play on words. I know a guy who always refers to the Clintons as “The Hillbillary.” So funny.)

Anywho…I guess we can all be grateful that Mr. Trump has turned his attention to these grave matters – viz., the end of days for America at the hands of Ms. Clinton and her banks -- because not so long ago he had other things on his mind, as recounted in the Washington Post:

“One of the other allegations this week comes from Tasha Dixon, a former Miss Arizona, who has said in multiple interviews that Trump strolled into the contestant's dressing area even when they were naked — a claim echoed to BuzzFeed by contestants in the Miss Teen USA competition, where competitors are younger than 18 years old. Trump's own comments on Stern's show, as reported by CNN over the weekend, show him copping to that very same type of behavior at his beauty pageants.

“’I’ll go backstage before a show, and everyone’s getting dressed and ready and everything else,’ he said, per CNN. ‘And you know, no men are anywhere. And I’m allowed to go in because I’m the owner of the pageant. And therefore I’m inspecting it. ‘Is everyone okay?’ You know, they’re standing there with no clothes. And you see these incredible-looking women. And so I sort of get away with things like that.’”

Hmm. Nothing creepy about any of that, right? It hasn’t gotten as much attention as the pussy-grabbing thing, but, well, there it is.

Speaking of the pussy-grabbing thing, some of Mr. Trump’s folks have said, hey, he’s running for president, not husband of the year. Or words to that effect. What an excellent point! I’m certain they would have made the exact same point about Barack Obama when he was running for president, if Obama had said this…

“I moved on her, and I failed. I’ll admit it…I did try and fuck her. She was married…and I moved on her very heavily. In fact, I took her out furniture shopping. She wanted to get some furniture. I said, ‘I’ll show you where they have some nice furniture.’…I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn’t get there. And she was married…Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look…You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait…and when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Whatever you want…grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.”

He’s running for president, not husband of the year. That’s what Republicans, the religious right, and evangelicals would’ve said about Obama. I’m sure of it. It’s just locker room talk, after all. I’m sure Sean Hannity would have said, in Obama’s defense, “King David had 500 concubines, for crying out loud!” Which is what he said about Mr. Trump’s sexual escapades. So let’s don’t get all bent out of shape over Obama, I think Sean would’ve cautioned. For crying out loud.

By the way, I don’t know if my bank is in on this international conspiracy thing, but if it is, it can kiss my checking account goodbye. This I can tell you. Believe me.

(This just in: Carlos Slim, the Mexican – Mexican! – billionaire is behind the New York Times part in the Great Conspiracy to bring down Mr.Trump.)