How to Fire an FBI Chief

As luck would have it, Flyoverland was in the room when it all went down...

Trump: I want that sonofabitch fired. I’ve had it with his Russia thing. If he gets any closer on Russia, which it looks like he’s about to do, it’s really gonna hit the fan. You can stick a fork in us. Plus the insubordinate bastard refuses to back me up on the Obama wire-tapping.

Aide: Well, sir, there’s really no way he could back you up on the wiretapping. After all, we all know what a crock it actually is.

Trump: Who is this man?

Other aide: Jenkins, sir.

Trump: Take him out and shoot him.

Other aide: Yes, sir.

Trump: Now, Sessions, I need you to cook up a reason for the firing. We don’t want people thinking it has anything to do with Russia.

Sessions: Absolutely, sir. And here’s what I think is a great idea. Just delicious, really. What we do is, we say it was because of what he did to Hillary. I mean, think about it. The irony. It’s perfect. The Dems won’t be able to say a word.

Trump: Ooh. Sa-weet! You little devil you!

Aide: I don’t think anybody’s going to believe that. Even our hard-core people aren’t that dumb.

Trump: Oh, they’re that dumb. Believe me. Remember when I said I could shoot someone on 5th Avenue and not lose any votes? No, I think it’s genius. Absolutely beautiful. Not only will our base believe it, everyone will believe it. After all, it’s perfectly plausible.

Other Aide: Damn right, Mr. President.

Trump: Beautiful. Now, here’s what we’ll do. We’ll have the new guy, Frankentein or whatever his name is, say it was his idea, and that I’m just following his recommendation. Everyone will believe that, right?

Another Aide: Damn right, Mr. President. After all, they are incredibly dumb and believe all the ridiculous things you say. But, still, maybe we should have a fallback position on that one.

Trump: Okay, if they question that, I’ll say I started thinking about firing him back when I was elected. By the greatest margin in history, by the way. Because of his handling of the Clinton thing.

Another Aide: But, sir, you praised him to the skies for that.

Trump: Who cares? (sarcastically) Remember? 5th Avenue? Shooting people? Folks have forgotten all about that praising Comey thing. After all, it was months ago. I’ll just say I never said any of that. I do it all the time. And people always believe me. Believe me.

Sessions: Alrighty, then. We’re agreed. So, let’s give it a whirl. We did this because of Comey’s outrageous mistreatment of Clinton. It was Rosenstein’s idea. It had absolutely nothing to do with Russia. And, for good measure, we can throw in that the FBI rank-and-file is completely on board – in fact, had been calling for Comey’s head. All one-hundred percent believable.

Trump: I love it. There’s no way anyone would have any reason to doubt any of that. In fact, everyone will think it’s a beautiful explanation. They will say that I courageously did the right thing, and they’ll thank me! After all, the people are incredibly stupid and believe the things that I say.

Another aide: Sir, while I know you have unbounded faith in the stupidity of the American people, and I admire you for it, you can’t really think anyone’s going to believe this one. I mean, it’s too much. It’s such an obvious whopper!

Trump: Who is this man?

Yet Another Aide: Jones, sir.

Trump: Take him out and shoot him.